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How to Plan a Funeral When You've Never Done It Before: A Funeral Director's Step-by-Step Perspective

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Most people never expect to find themselves planning a funeral. Yet when a loved one passes away, families are suddenly faced with a series of emotional and practical decisions at one of the most difficult moments of their lives. 

In Episode 4 of From Compassion to the Conversation, host Mike Downer sits down with Ryan Fredregill, owner of Henderson's Funeral & Cremation Care and a second-generation funeral director, to discuss what families should expect when navigating this process for the first time.

For anyone searching for how to plan a funeral step by step, Fredregill offers a rare insider's perspective shaped by years of guiding families through loss. Rather than focusing solely on logistics, he explains why preparation, communication, and informed decision-making can dramatically reduce stress during an already overwhelming time.

The episode also outlines the practical steps families typically take after a death, explains how funeral homes guide people through the process, and highlights the importance of creating a meaningful service that reflects the life of the person being honored rather than following a predetermined formula.

The Most Important Funeral Planning Decision Happens Before Death

While many people assume funeral planning starts after a loss, Fredregill believes the most valuable planning happens beforehand.

As he explains:

"Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Having conversations with your family about your wishes is one of the greatest gifts you can give them."

According to Fredregill, families often find themselves making major decisions while simultaneously processing grief. Questions about burial, cremation, visitation, service preferences, and final arrangements can become significantly more difficult when no prior discussions have taken place.

He encourages people to create a written plan, even if they do not prepay for funeral services. Simply documenting preferences and ensuring loved ones know where to find them can remove a tremendous burden during an emotional period.

What Happens in the First 24 Hours After a Death?

One of the most practical portions of the episode focuses on the immediate steps families should take after a loved one passes away.

The process typically begins with notifying immediate family members and close friends. Once family members have been informed, the next step is selecting a funeral home and funeral director.

After a funeral home is chosen, the deceased is brought into their care, and arrangements begin. Families then schedule an arrangement conference where essential information is collected and major service decisions are discussed.

Importantly, Fredregill notes that families should not feel pressured to make every decision immediately. Funeral homes can preserve and care for the deceased while loved ones take time to consider their options thoughtfully.

Understanding the Arrangement Conference

For many families, the arrangement conference is unfamiliar territory. Fredregill describes it as the central planning meeting where funeral professionals gather the information needed to carry out the family's wishes.

During this meeting, funeral directors collect details required for the death certificate, obituary, and service planning.

Families may need to provide information such as:

  • Full legal name and date of birth
  • Social Security information
  • Family history details
  • Educational and employment background
  • Hobbies, interests, and community involvement
  • Service preferences and venue choices

If a viewing is planned, families are also encouraged to bring clothing and personal items they would like included.

By the end of the conference, the funeral home typically has a complete roadmap for coordinating the arrangements.

Choosing Between Burial and Cremation

One of the most common questions families face involves deciding between burial and cremation.

Drawing on decades of industry experience, Fredregill notes that the landscape has changed dramatically over the years. While traditional burial was once the overwhelming choice, cremation has become increasingly common, with approximately 65% of families now selecting cremation.

Rather than steering families toward a specific option, he focuses on helping them evaluate the decision through the lens of personal wishes, beliefs, and financial considerations.

The goal, he explains, is not choosing what is most popular, but choosing what best honors the individual.

Creating a Meaningful Service

Another major theme throughout the discussion is personalization.

Funeral services today look very different from what many people imagine. Some families still prefer traditional religious ceremonies, church services, and formal visitations. Others choose parks, community centers, family gathering spaces, or celebration-of-life events that reflect the personality of their loved one.

One of Fredregill's strongest professional opinions involves the value of viewings.

He shares:

"I still believe viewings are important because they help families begin the grieving process and acknowledge the reality of the loss."

Importantly, he points out that a viewing can still occur even when cremation is ultimately chosen, giving families additional flexibility when designing a service.

Navigating the Paperwork After a Death

Beyond the emotional aspects of funeral planning, there are significant administrative responsibilities that families must address.

According to Fredregill, the death certificate is often the most important document generated during the process. Families frequently need certified copies to manage life insurance claims, retirement accounts, pension benefits, investment accounts, and estate administration.

He also highlights a lesser-known detail that surprises many families: Social Security provides a one-time survivor benefit of $255 to eligible surviving spouses.

Funeral homes often assist with both death certificate processing and Social Security notification, helping reduce the administrative burden placed on grieving families.

Supporting One Another Through Loss

The conversation extends beyond funeral logistics into the human side of grief.

When discussing how to communicate news of a death, Fredregill encourages personal conversations whenever possible.

As he explains:

"Being able to sit with someone, offer a hug, and provide support is far more meaningful than a text message."

His recommendation reflects a recurring theme throughout the episode: funerals are not simply about arrangements and paperwork. They are about creating opportunities for people to come together, support one another, and begin processing loss.

Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Ryan Fredregill repeatedly returns to one central message: preparation is one of the greatest gifts we can leave behind. Whether that preparation involves documenting wishes, discussing preferences with family members, or understanding the decisions that follow a death, planning ahead can dramatically reduce stress and uncertainty.

For families wondering how to plan a funeral step by step, his advice is both practical and compassionate: start conversations early, document your wishes, seek guidance from experienced professionals, and focus on creating a service that genuinely reflects the life being honored.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the first thing to do after a loved one passes away?

Notify immediate family members and close friends, then select a funeral home that can bring your loved one into their care and begin the arrangements process.

What happens during a funeral arrangement conference?

The funeral home gathers information needed for the death certificate, obituary, and service planning while helping the family make decisions about burial, cremation, venues, and memorial details.

Can you have a viewing before cremation?

Yes. According to Ryan Fredregill, families can choose to hold a viewing before cremation takes place, and many find it helpful as part of the grieving process.

How many death certificates should a family obtain?

The exact number depends on the estate, but multiple certified copies are often needed for insurance claims, retirement accounts, financial institutions, and estate administration.

Is pre-planning a funeral necessary?

While not required, Fredregill believes pre-planning is one of the most valuable things a person can do for their family because it reduces uncertainty and helps loved ones make informed decisions during a difficult time.

Mike: Hello, everybody. Thanks for joining me on From Compassion to the Conversation. I am here with Ryan Fredregill, owner of Henderson's Funeral and Cremation Care. Ryan is a second-generation funeral home director. How are we doing today, Ryan?

Ryan: I am incredibly fantastic. Thanks for asking, Mike.

Mike: Hey, no worries. It's another beautiful day outside. Today, we are going to talk about how you plan a funeral when you've never done it before. This is a big question for people and a big fear. I think we're going to be able to overcome some of those fears and answer some questions for people today.

Ryan: That sounds like a great plan and a good topic.

Mike: It is a good topic, and it's something that needs to be addressed. So let me ask you this, Ryan. Let's get this thing started the right way. What are the step-by-step basics of planning a funeral or cremation service, especially if you've never done it before?

Ryan: That is a great question, Mike. The first thing I’m going to say, to back it up a bit, is that the best way to plan a funeral here in Des Moines, Iowa, or anywhere your family has a need, is to plan it ahead of time.

Have that talk. Tomorrow is not promised. It is not guaranteed. We all have plans for tomorrow, and unfortunately, some of us don’t make it there.

It is a lot less emotional when you have time to think through the process and really come up with a plan that works for you, your family, and your budget, versus somebody experiencing a loss tonight and sitting across the table from me tomorrow. The emotions are extremely high. You might not know what your dad, mom, brother, or sister wanted with their funeral plans because they didn’t talk about it.

It sounds cheesy coming from a funeral director, I know, but one of the best gifts you can give your family is to have a plan. Whether you fund it or not, at least have that plan there and tell them where it is and how they can access it if something happens suddenly.

To answer your question, if somebody passes away today, a lot of times we’re going to meet with the family the next day. Some people immediately know, when we pick up their loved one, whether they’re going to have a viewing, whether we’re going to embalm, or whether they’re going to plan through some cremation options. Some people seriously don’t know at that time.

What we do until they do know is give them time to think about what they would like. We keep their loved one as cool as possible. Sometimes we do have to use a morgue in order to do that. What that does is preserve the body and give us time, and give them time, to make a decision that’s right for them.

If they tell us they would like a funeral and we’re going to have an open casket, we would prepare for embalming, which disinfects the body. It also preserves the body. It allows us to have a funeral three weeks later or seven days later, and their loved one is still going to look good.

If they’re thinking about cremation options, we can certainly take their loved one to our crematory and prepare them for cremation. That cremation would not happen until the documentation is all done. We need the legal next of kin to sign off on it. From there, we have to get a cremation permit in order to cremate anybody.

Even with cremation, there are a lot of decisions that can be made. How are we still going to honor that loved one’s life? Are we going to view their body prior to the cremation and still have a funeral afterward?

You do have options either way you want to go. We’re going to ask a lot of those questions, and we’re going to guide the family step by step through the process. We’re going to take the time to listen to them to know what’s best for their funeral decisions or cremation options.

Mike: Yeah, that is critical. So let’s just say the unforeseen happens. What should someone do in the first 24 hours after a loved one passes away?

Ryan: Absolutely. Notify your immediate family. Notify those close friends that you want to keep updated.

From there, it’s a matter of making an appointment with a funeral home and selecting the funeral director. Then they can get your loved one into their care and start any of those processes that need to be started.

From there, it’s a matter of scheduling a time to come into the funeral home and make arrangements with us. What we call arrangements is when we ask a lot of questions. We use those questions to create the death certificate. We send it to the doctor, the doctor signs it, and eventually it comes back to us. Then we can get death certificates.

The information we’re going to need includes where they were born, their date of birth, and their Social Security number. One of the hardest questions sometimes is their mother’s maiden name. There are just times when family members don’t know that, so that can be one of the tougher questions.

From there, we’re going to ask a lot more so we can put together an obituary for the family. Again, it would be a draft. We would never publish it anywhere until they have their eyes on it, proof it, and make corrections, changes, or additions.

Those questions are going to include what their hobbies were, where they grew up, where they worked, and all of their surviving family members that we want listed in the obituary. Anybody who has passed away can certainly be listed as well.

Lastly, it’s all the details about the actual service itself. Are we going to have a celebration of life? Are we going to have a funeral? Are we going to do a visitation? Are we going to have musicians involved? Are we going to have caterers involved? Are we going to have it at a church, at a funeral home, at a park?

Anywhere the family really wants to have it, our job is to coordinate it all and take the pressure off of them so they can focus on grieving and being present with one another. We at Henderson’s Funeral and Cremation Care line up all the details for the family and take some of those burdens away from them.

Mike: That was a very thorough answer, which I and a lot of other people appreciate. I know you were saying to decide on your funeral home and funeral director. So let’s say they did decide on you and they did decide to choose the best. You can smile at that one.

Ryan: We appreciate that. We sure try our best.

Mike: You can just tell us for sure. What happens when you call Henderson’s Funeral Home for the very first time, day or night? Just that beginning process.

Ryan: Yeah, absolutely. That is a great question. What you’ll find is that we answer our own phones at Henderson’s Funeral and Cremation Care here in Des Moines.

I unfortunately had to use a funeral home up in Wisconsin over the weekend. My gosh, I called three funeral homes, and they all had answering services. The soonest a funeral director called me back was 30 minutes later.

If it was an immediate need in the middle of the night, that would be frustrating for a family. My family, my kids, and I even discussed how shocked they were that other funeral homes don’t answer their phones, because they’re so used to seeing me do it. Ninety-eight percent of the time, we do answer our own phones. We do have some other staff members who take calls too.

When you call Henderson’s, we’re going to immediately answer your questions. From there, I’m going to ask what the person’s name is, where they passed away, who the next of kin is, whether they’re married, whether they have children, whether it’s a niece, whatever those conditions are, and where they are located.

Then we’re going to send a funeral director or removal technician to get them into our care right away. Once they’re in our care, it really depends on what type of procedures we’re going to be moving forward with.

If they’re not ready to schedule a time for an arrangement, that’s not a problem. We would follow up with them the next day, whenever they would like us to, to get the rest of the information and schedule that arrangement time.

Mike: So, Ryan, what is an arrangement conference, and what should families expect to bring and decide during that arrangement conference?

Ryan: Absolutely. If you know you’re going to have a funeral, we would love for you to bring clothing. We also prefer undergarments that the individual would normally wear.

Some people still want to be dressed in a suit. Some people want to be dressed in sweatpants. There is no wrong or right with us. We’re just happy to help and take the best care of their loved one, preparing them to look as natural as possible.

If you’re not planning any type of viewing, then we would just need those questions answered: Social Security number, where they were born, and all of those details. Then we can really walk everybody through the process, ask all of those questions, and come up with a game plan for how we’re going to honor their loved one’s life.

Mike: Perfect. So when it comes to the bigger decisions, how do families choose between burial and cremation, and what options are available?

Ryan: Absolutely. Twenty-five years ago, 95 percent of every family wanted a full funeral. Nowadays, I think about 65 percent of families already know they want to be cremated here in Des Moines.

Some families are still on the fence and don’t know exactly what they want. But I would say, anymore, people usually know whether they want to be cremated or whether they want to be buried in a cemetery. That’s going to be one of the biggest decisions right off the bat.

From there, through that arrangement process, we can decide how we’re going to honor their loved one’s life and whatever feels right for the family.

Mike: Perfect. So what are the different ways to plan a meaningful funeral or memorial service?

Ryan: There are so many different meaningful ways to plan a service. Again, it really boils down to the right one for the family.

Do we want it to be religious-themed? Do we want it to be at a church? Do we want it to be non-religious? Do we want it to just be a celebration of their life with close friends speaking? Are we going to let family speak? Do we want it catered?

We’re seeing more people have refreshments at services as well. There is really no right or wrong way to have a funeral or celebration of life. It really boils down to the family’s needs, what they want, and how that process helps them.

I am still old-school in my thinking. There is data out there that shows having a viewing is still important to begin the grieving process for families. But again, that viewing process can still happen followed by cremation.

It’s just about talking through those things with families and giving them their options. None of them are right or wrong for us at Henderson’s. It’s really about the family’s needs, what they want, and how we can serve them best.

Mike: You bet. I appreciate the care and compassion that you guys put into all this and your respect for the families.

Now this one is kind of a big one because people need to be prepared for this. What kind of paperwork needs to be handled after death, and how does Henderson’s help with that process?

Ryan: Absolutely. The biggest thing people need right off the bat is going to be a death certificate. Sometimes it takes two months to get a death certificate. Sometimes it takes two days.

The biggest thing is that if there’s an autopsy, they won’t sign a death certificate until after the autopsy. The average time frame is about two months. That is because they’re doing all the different testing because of the autopsy. Once they get their results back, then they can sign off on the death certificate.

If there’s no autopsy, I would say it’s pretty normal for us to have a death certificate back within a week.

You typically need a death certificate for life insurance companies, pensions, retirement accounts, investment brokers, and a lawyer, if you’re going to have one for the estate.

Almost everybody else, including banks and creditors, will take copies of a certified death certificate and not keep the original from you.

We, as the funeral home, would also file Social Security directly for the family. If you are married and have a spouse, Social Security does pay out $255. If you don’t have a spouse, Social Security doesn’t pay anything out.

I think families are often shocked about that. It is kind of shocking to hear that you’re 64 years old, you paid in for 40 years of working, and there are no death benefits. It’s kind of crazy, but I’m no lawmaker to change that law, that’s for darn sure.

Mike: I just learned something new today. Since we are addressing people dealing with death for the first time, in your opinion, how should someone communicate the news of a death to family and friends during this difficult time?

Ryan: It is such a difficult time to have to be the person who shares that news with another individual. My heart always goes out to any family member who has to break that news.

Even for us to get a call at a funeral home, when you hear some of the stories and how young some of these people are, it’s shocking and it breaks your heart.

There is no good way to do it. But if you can do it person to person, face to face, look somebody in the eye, give them a hug, cry on their shoulder, or be the shoulder to cry on, it is always better than receiving a text message that mom or dad died.

But that is also kind of the way we communicate with one another now. I would try to avoid group texts. I would try to avoid texting at all. If you can come together as a family, be around each other, and be there to support one another as you break that news to your other loved ones, that is certainly helpful.

Mike: That personal connection is deeply important at a time like this. I know we’ve gone over a lot of information, but let’s wind this one up.

Could you summarize everything you said and let me know why Henderson’s 24/7 availability is so important for families in the Des Moines area?

Ryan: Absolutely. We’re here to help. Whether we’re just answering questions or we’re being entrusted to take care of your loved one, we are here for any Des Moines family or any Iowa family that needs funeral service or cremation service.

We do cover the state when it comes to some of those other cremation options as well. But we are here for you 24/7. No question is dumb. Call anytime. We’re happy to answer those questions and walk you through anything we can to help with any of your loved one’s needs.

Back to planning a funeral: if you can do it in advance, talk to one another and let your wishes be known and documented. Again, it is a great gift to help your family and to share with others who maybe don’t think about it, or maybe don’t want to listen or talk about the thought of mom or dad getting old and someday passing away.

But again, it’s going to be better in the long run to have a plan.

Mike: I totally agree. And like all our viewers and listeners know, you and I are going to be having that talk very soon. You and I have kind of already got a little bit of a game plan. We just need to sit down and get it done.

Ryan: You’ve got to get that whiskey bottle gone first.

Mike: Oh, I think I have a couple of them. They’re the little airplane bottles.

Well, Ryan, thank you so much for answering all the questions. If you’re not familiar with the entire process, definitely contact Henderson’s. They would be more than happy to help, whether it be with pre-planning or immediately following a death.

Thank you again for joining Ryan and myself on From Compassion to the Conversation. Thanks a lot, Ryan, for answering all my questions again today.

Ryan: Thank you, Mike.

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